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| Surveillance photo of Wee Mikey at airport in Chicago on December 29 |
Quaich fans worldwide were stunned by the news that
long-time Scottish player Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford has defected to the
United States. Wee Mikey slipped undetected
into the U.S. sometime in late December.
Intelligence officials at MI6 in London were alerted to Wee Mikey’s
movements when he cleared U.S. Customs at Chicago’s O’Hare airport on December
29 but were unable to track his whereabouts from there.
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| Wee Mikey (left) at Steamboat in Colorado on December 31 |
Anonymous sources have confirmed that Wee Mikey has been disillusioned
with his role on Team Scotland for more than a year. During Quaich 2016 in Texas, Mikey chafed at
team rules including strict curfews, limited alcohol, and no copulation on
match nights. While many applauded these
rules as key to Scotland’s “winning formula” in 2016, Mikey was clearly not
among them. He was also vocal is his
displeasure of being paired with the same partner, Tony “Hef” Denson, for all
of the team matches.
“Wee Mikey is a nonconformist,” said a high-ranking member
of Team USA. “He was never going to be
happy in an environment that placed restrictions on him.”
Since arriving in the U.S., Wee Mikey has been spotted
skiing in Colorado and playing golf in Florida.
When he was seen on the grounds of the Medalist Golf Club on the same
day as the Team USA Quaich tryouts, all of Scotland shuddered in
disbelief. Could he possibly be cozying up
to the opposition?
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| Wee Mikey (far left) and Team USA in Florida |
Team USA officials were coy about offering Wee Mikey a spot
on the team. “He’s a helluva free
agent,” said U.S. Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes.
“Mikey is the number two all-time points guy fer Scotland, so we’d be
pleased as all git out to have him notch some of those wins for our side.”
Wee Mikey could not be reached for comment. There are unsubstantiated rumors that he is
presently living in a condo in Tuscaloosa and has a 19-year-old American
girlfriend named Britney.
