Defection! Will “Wee Mikey” Join U.S. Team in Massive Quaich Shake-Up?

Surveillance photo of Wee Mikey at airport in Chicago on December 29 

Quaich fans worldwide were stunned by the news that long-time Scottish player Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford has defected to the United States.  Wee Mikey slipped undetected into the U.S. sometime in late December.  Intelligence officials at MI6 in London were alerted to Wee Mikey’s movements when he cleared U.S. Customs at Chicago’s O’Hare airport on December 29 but were unable to track his whereabouts from there. 

Wee Mikey (left) at Steamboat in Colorado on December 31

Anonymous sources have confirmed that Wee Mikey has been disillusioned with his role on Team Scotland for more than a year.  During Quaich 2016 in Texas, Mikey chafed at team rules including strict curfews, limited alcohol, and no copulation on match nights.  While many applauded these rules as key to Scotland’s “winning formula” in 2016, Mikey was clearly not among them.  He was also vocal is his displeasure of being paired with the same partner, Tony “Hef” Denson, for all of the team matches. 

“Wee Mikey is a nonconformist,” said a high-ranking member of Team USA.  “He was never going to be happy in an environment that placed restrictions on him.”

Since arriving in the U.S., Wee Mikey has been spotted skiing in Colorado and playing golf in Florida.  When he was seen on the grounds of the Medalist Golf Club on the same day as the Team USA Quaich tryouts, all of Scotland shuddered in disbelief.  Could he possibly be cozying up to the opposition?

Wee Mikey (far left) and Team USA in Florida

Team USA officials were coy about offering Wee Mikey a spot on the team.  “He’s a helluva free agent,” said U.S. Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes.  “Mikey is the number two all-time points guy fer Scotland, so we’d be pleased as all git out to have him notch some of those wins for our side.”

Wee Mikey could not be reached for comment.  There are unsubstantiated rumors that he is presently living in a condo in Tuscaloosa and has a 19-year-old American girlfriend named Britney.