NSW Ronnie Becomes Career Points Leader

Ronald "NSW Ronnie" Denholm surged to the top of the all-time list of Quaich winners as a result of going undefeated again in 2018.  Winning has become a habit for NSW Ronnie who hasn't lost a match since the 2008 Quaich. 

"Ronnie is a rerr one," said Allen "Oor Wullie" Wilson. "He gave me a full collie-buckie in foursomes."

"Guan, Ronnie!" said Michael "Wee Mikey" Redford.

Quaich 2018 By The Numbers

The final match results from East Lothian

Individual point totals for Quaich 2018

R. Denholm	4.0
T. Denson	3.0
R. MacCallum	3.0
D. Brown	2.5
M. Redford	2.5
I. MacCallum	2.5
A. Wilson	2.5
J. Moreland	2.5
R. Bonilla	2.0
M. Peyrebrune	1.5
E. Silagy	1.5
J. Atkins	1.5
B. Farley	1.5
C. Hughes	1.0
S. Webster	0.5
C. Van Horne	0.0

Back to Back for Scotland!

Team Scotland won the 2018 Quaich in dominant fashion with a final score of 14 – 6 over a beleaguered team from the USA.  Scotland Captain Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm led his team to its first back-to-back victories in the history of the Quaich.

“I’m enormously proud of my team,” said NSW Ronnie. “To a man, they played fantastic.”

Team Scotland was strong top to bottom with every player bringing in multiple points during the four days of matches.  The result was the most lop-sided victory since the infamous “Rout in the Rockies” in 2008, where Team USA won 18 – 6 in the Roaring Fork Valley of Colorado

Scotland needed to look no further than its captain for inspiration this week. NSW Ronnie led the team with a perfect 4 points.  In fact, NSW Ronnie has not lost a match in the Quaich series since the modified scramble at Lakota Canyon Golf Club in 2008.  “I blame that loss on my partner at the time,” said NSW Ronnie, referring to Graeme “H” Wilson who was subsequently dropped from the team roster.

Victory again!

Douglas “Slicer” Brown epitomized the grit of this Scottish team.  “Ah canny play,” said Slicer at the start of the week. “I've got a gammie leg.”  But Slicer showed up ready to play despite a diagnosis of patellar tendonitis in his right knee.  Ignoring the pain that came with every downswing, Slicer brought home 2.5 points for his team.

The eternally youthful Tony “Hef” Denson had another strong performance in East Lothian.  He delivered 3 points, proving he is a long way from hanging up his spikes.  He also educated his playing partners on his latest carnal accomplishments including something called the Bosnian see-saw and a Norwegian torch blower.

Ross “Rosco” MacCallum also brought in 3 points including an inspirational singles win on Sunday over long-time American rival Chris “Cudman” Van Horne.  The two players should have been playing in a steel cage with boxing gloves on because it was golfing slugfest over 18 holes at Archerfield’s Fidra course.  The pair have now met in 7 times in Quaich singles competition with a cumulative match record of 2-2-3.  “By the way absolutely heehaw wrong with tha’!” exclaimed Rosco after his win.

The matches were tied at 4 points for each team after the first two days of competition.  After that successful start, however, Team USA managed only 2 points over the final two days of play.  Team USA struggled with the foursomes format on Saturday at the Archerfield Direleton course, managing just a half point from the day.  Trailing by 3 points going into the final day of competition, USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes nonetheless put his team in position to win on Sunday with shrewd singles matchups.  Six of eight matches still hung in the balance on the 18^th tee, giving Team USA an outside chance of victory.  But the players from Team Scotland showed their hearts were brave by closing out all of them with scores of par or better.

“Team USA choked,” concluded Rosco at the end of the day.

“Team Scotland played the best golf,” offered Guvna with cold eyes and tight smile.  “They holed putts when they had to and we missed them. They deserve to retain the Quaich.”

FIASCO BY THE FIRTH! TEAM USA IMPLODES AT POST-MATCH PRESSER

Team USA failed to capture the coveted Quaich in East Lothian, suffering an embarrassing 14-6 loss to a seasoned and confident Team Scotland.  The blamestorming from Team USA started immediately at an awkward post-tournament press conference held in the clubhouse at Archerfield.  The assembled media asked tough questions as the members of Team USA sat at the dais with vacant expressions on their faces.  The members of Team USA quickly turned on each other. The transcript for the press conference is below:

THE MODERATOR: We're joined by USA Captain Chris Hughes and the members of Team USA.  Let’s start taking questions.  Yes, in the back?

Q: Yes, Niall Applegate with Sunday Sport.  Guvna, you’ve suffered two defeats in your captaincy, making you the worst performing captain in Quaich history.  What do you need to do to be more successful as a leader and as a team?

USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Listen, you’re dancin’ in the hog trough, my friend.  If I could put my finger on it, I would have changed this shit a long time ago!  We are going to keep searching.

Q: Goombay, you just had the worst Quaich performance in your 12-year career. It was well below your standards.  Why was this year so bad?

Brian "Goombay" Farley: I had no partner support.  I was basically out there on my own! I can’t win this thing by myself.

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne: Goombay is just being a prima douche.  I played his ball by mistake, okay?  Okay?  He doesn’t have to be such a jackhole.

John “Atco” Atkins: Guys, stop!  We are looking for reasons, not excuses. Losing like we have, you just feel like you’ve got to do something different.

Ray “Mundo” Bonilla: I’ll tell you what needs to be different, Atco. Your face!  I’m sorry, I’m frustrated.

John “Atco” Atkins: That was uncalled for.  We need to maintain respect for each other.

Brian "Goombay" Farley:  Whatever, fuck-knuckle.  This isn’t a meeting of the Caddo Parish Commission.

Q: This is a question for anyone. Do you feel there should be accountability for this defeat?

Eric “Swayze” Silagy: Damn right.  Somebody’s gonna get fired! We will not tolerate this kind of failure.

Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Are you talking about me, Swayze?  You can’t fire me!  I’m not some electrical substation engineer who mistakenly disabled two layers of relay protection!

Eric “Swayze” Silagy: Wait. How did you hear about that…?

Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Go back to tracking hurricanes, asshamper.

Q: Web, you are the poet laureate of the Quaich, so you must have been inspired by staying in the house here at Archerfield in which Robert Louis Stevenson wrote Treasure Island.  Would you agree that is the greatest work of fiction ever to be produced in Scotland?

Stephen “Web” Webster: Yes, it is a great piece of Scottish fiction, second only to Ronnie’s handicap.

James “Sheets” Moreland: Truedat!

Q: Roy Lang with Shreveport Times.  Sheets, you were the points leader for Team USA.  To what do you owe your success?

James “Sheets” Moreland: Complete lack of preparation. I just went out there and freewheeled it.

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne:  Oh my God!  I am so sick of your ‘I never practice’ bullshit. 

James “Sheets” Moreland: What was your record this year, dickfingers?

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne:  Bite me.

James “Sheets” Moreland: O-Fer.

Good friends from Team USA

Scotland Surges Into Lead in Foursomes

Team Scotland took 3½ of a possible 4 points on Saturday in the alternate shot “foursomes” format.  Sky Sports golf analyst Denis Pugh believes the Scots do well in foursomes because of team chemistry.  “The Scottish team has a tighter bond than that of America," said Pugh. “They are comfortable relying on each other and believe a win for one is a win for all.”  Pugh went on the contrast those traits with that of the members of Team USA.  “The Americans are not a team,” said Pugh. “They are a collection of individuals who live and die by individual accomplishment.”

Brothers Ross “Rosco” MacCallum and Ian “Big Man” MacCallum have been a pair since they shared a pram and dummy as infants in Edinburgh.  It was no surprise that the Brothers MacCallum cruised to a 1 UP victory in their match against John “Atco” Atkins and Chris “Guvna” Hughes.

Americans Stephen “Web” Webster and Chris “Cudman” Van Horne, who combined have produced a meager 2 points in the last two Quaich matches, were pitted against a strong Scottish team of Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm and Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson, who have the highest match winning percentages of any active players in Team Scotland history.  “Team Sacrificial Lamb”, as Web and Cudman were known within the USA team room, fought valiantly but ultimately succumbed to the powerful Scots 2 & 1 after running low on Pimm’s and Lemonade 250ml cans.  “When they put Web and Cudman out together,” said one unnamed Scotsman. “We knew the Guvna had lost the plot.”

The Scottish team of Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford and Michael “Wee Mikey P” Peyrebrune were 5 UP on the American team of James “Sheets” Moreland and Brian “Goombay” Farley after 12 holes.  At that point, the American duo raced back to the halfway house for another six-pack of beer, fueling them to win 5 the next 6 holes to preserve a halve for the match.  It proved to be Team USA’s only points of the day.  Of note, Wee Mikey P, who had never had a draw in a match in his long Quaich history, managed 3 of them in the 2018 event.

In the final match of the day, a well-preserved Tony “Hef” Denson partnered with Douglas “Slicer” Brown for a 2 UP victory for Team Scotland over Ray “Mundo” Bonilla and Eric “Swayze” Silagy. 

Team Scotland leads 7½ to 4½ going into the final day of the 2018 Quaich.