Team USA failed to capture the coveted Quaich in East Lothian, suffering
an embarrassing 14-6 loss to a seasoned and confident Team Scotland. The blamestorming from Team USA started
immediately at an awkward post-tournament press conference held in the
clubhouse at Archerfield. The assembled
media asked tough questions as the members of Team USA sat at the dais with
vacant expressions on their faces. The
members of Team USA quickly turned on each other. The transcript for the press
conference is below:
THE MODERATOR: We're joined by USA Captain Chris Hughes and the
members of Team USA. Let’s start taking
questions. Yes, in the back?
Q: Yes, Niall
Applegate with Sunday Sport. Guvna, you’ve
suffered two defeats in your captaincy, making you the worst performing captain
in Quaich history. What do you need to
do to be more successful as a leader and as a team?
USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Listen, you’re dancin’ in
the hog trough, my friend. If I could
put my finger on it, I would have changed this shit a long time ago! We are going to keep searching.
Q: Goombay, you just had the worst Quaich
performance in your 12-year career. It was well below your standards. Why was this year so bad?
Brian "Goombay" Farley: I had no partner support. I was basically out there on my own! I can’t
win this thing by myself.
Chris “Cudman” Van Horne: Goombay is just being a prima douche. I played his ball by mistake, okay? Okay?
He doesn’t have to be such a jackhole.
John “Atco” Atkins: Guys, stop!
We are looking for reasons, not excuses. Losing like we have, you just feel
like you’ve got to do something different.
Ray “Mundo” Bonilla: I’ll tell you what needs to be different, Atco.
Your face! I’m sorry, I’m frustrated.
John “Atco” Atkins: That was uncalled for. We need to maintain respect for each other.
Brian "Goombay" Farley:
Whatever, fuck-knuckle. This isn’t
a meeting of the Caddo Parish Commission.
Q: This is a
question for anyone. Do you feel there should be accountability for this
defeat?
Eric “Swayze” Silagy: Damn right.
Somebody’s gonna get fired! We will not tolerate this kind of failure.
Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Are you talking about me, Swayze? You can’t fire me! I’m not some electrical substation engineer
who mistakenly disabled two layers of relay protection!
Eric “Swayze” Silagy: Wait. How did you hear about that…?
Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Go back to tracking hurricanes, asshamper.
Q: Web, you
are the poet laureate of the Quaich, so you must have been inspired by staying
in the house here at Archerfield in which Robert Louis Stevenson wrote Treasure Island. Would you agree that is the greatest work of
fiction ever to be produced in Scotland?
Stephen “Web” Webster: Yes, it is a great piece of Scottish
fiction, second only to Ronnie’s handicap.
James “Sheets” Moreland: Truedat!
Q: Roy Lang
with Shreveport Times. Sheets, you were
the points leader for Team USA. To what
do you owe your success?
James “Sheets” Moreland: Complete lack of preparation. I just went
out there and freewheeled it.
Chris “Cudman” Van Horne: Oh
my God! I am so sick of your ‘I never
practice’ bullshit.
James “Sheets” Moreland: What was your record this year, dickfingers?
Chris “Cudman” Van Horne: Bite
me.
James “Sheets” Moreland: O-Fer.
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| Good friends from Team USA |
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