Team Scotland Captain Ronald "NSW Ronnie" Denholm sent well wishes to all fans of his team on Hogmanay.
A typical NSW Ronnie Instagram post from December
"A guid New Year and mony may ye see!" said Ronnie. "May ye ne'er want a frien' or a dram to gie him!" NSW Ronnie has been particularly exuberant in the months leading up to the 2018 Quaich. His team is in great form and expected to successfully defend the Quaich in East Lothian in May. NSW's Instagram feed is full of smiling photos from team practices as well as his favorite recipes. "It's great to see Ronnie so positive," said one source close to the team. "His confidence is palpable. It's as if he's added five inches in height since the last Quaich matches." According to Ladbroke's, Team Scotland is a 2.5 point favorite to retain the Quaich in May in matches to be held in East Lothian, Scotland
Happy Times: NSW Ronnie with Rosco and Big Man at Elie
U.S. President Donald Trump has set his sights on the men of Team USA. In an epic Twitter-storm, Trump called out members of the team for their lackluster performance in recent Quaich matches. Pundits are unsure as to whether Trump is trying to motivate the team with his tweets or simply distance himself from the underdogs ahead of an expected loss in May.
The President did make an appearance at Team USA practice near his home in Palm Beach, Florida recently. However, rather than encourage the team, he threatened them with exportation. In shaking hands with team members, including Eric "Swayze" Silagy as seen below, the President said, "If you don't win, don't bother coming home. This country is not for losers."
"If you don't win," said President Trump to Swayze. "Don't bother coming home."
Considering Team USA’s embarrassing defeat to the Scots just
nine months earlier in Texas, the mood was oddly boisterous at the vacation
home of USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes in Colorado this week. “We’re just enjoyin’ each other’s company,”
said Guvna. “We’re havin’ some laughs, savorin’ good food and drink, and
playin’ a little golf.”
The comradery was off-the-charts. The golf, on the other hand, was more difficult
to measure.
Stephen “Web” Webster continued his inconsistent play. Knowing he would rarely find a fairway with
his erratic driver, Web deployed florescent orange Volvik golf balls to
increase his chances of actually locating his tee shots in the rough. “If he brings those goddam tangerines to
Muirfield, I’ll f’ing bench the sumbitch,” said Guvna.
Chris “Cudman” Van Horne spent the off-season working on a
longer backswing in an effort to gain more distance. In Colorado, he found that he had lost 20
yards of distance on his drives. Cudman
was heard shouting invectives to his ball as it barely reached the fairway from
the tee at Catamount Club on Sunday. “Awwwww! Suck a fat baby’s dick!” proved to be very
popular.
James “Sheets” Moreland was imprecise with his iron play,
often hitting well behind the ball and gouging huge divots in the fairway. “I’ve used smaller shootin’ holes when I go
duck huntin’,” said John “Atco” Atkins, pointing to Sheets’ enormous divot.
The rematch between Scotland and USA will be played in May 2018 in East Lothian, Scotland.
A relaxed U.S. team descended on Steamboat Springs in
Colorado last week to begin preparations for next year’s Quaich matches. The entire team, with the notable exception
of Brian “Goombay” Farley, stayed at the vacation home of USA Captain Chris
“Guvna” Hughes. Because team infighting was
partially responsible for the USA’s embarrassing Quaich loss to the Scots in
October, Guvna brought in a group of clinical sociologists to evaluate team
chemistry. “We help our clients
understand how interpersonal and social forces affect team behavior,” said Erica
Glass, Ph.D., lead sociologist. “We
observed the team dynamic in Colorado as a first step to enacting positive
change in their Quaich results.”
“This team is a fascinating case study,” said Michael D.
Smithkline, Ph.D., another member of the group analyzing Team USA. “There are
so many complex forces at work in their relationships.”
“We first took note of the men wrestling for Alpha male
supremacy,” said Dr. Glass. “This is
turf normally claimed by the hard-driving team member they call ‘Swayze’. But interestingly the other members of the
team began pushing back against this convention almost immediately.”
Fruity cocktail
Dr. Glass’ case notes point out that Ray “Mundo” Bonilla
insisted on driving the rental car to Steamboat Springs from Denver,
effectively taking the wheel from Eric “Swayze” Silagy. “This loss of control is difficult for
Swayze,” said Dr. Glass. “He has a fear of
being at the mercy of others and felt quite vulnerable during the team
weekend.” This feeling was exacerbated
when Stephen ‘Web’ Webster claimed the large bedroom with the king-sized bed
for himself, when the others on the team automatically assumed it would be
given to Swayze. “The situation was
oddly disorienting for Swayze but empowering for Web,” said Dr. Glass.
Dr. Smithkline focused on a different area of the team
chemistry. “There were very strong
homoerotic undercurrents throughout the weekend,” he said. Dr. Smithkline’s case notes reference frisky
towel snapping in the steamy shared bathrooms, fruity cocktails at dinner,
group hot tubs, and playful splashing at the Strawberry Park hot springs.
“The one they call Sheets is an intriguing contrast,” said
Dr. Smithkline referring to veteran USA player James “Sheets” Moreland. “On the one hand, he exhibits characteristics
of a traditional male role model. Tall,
handsome, athletic. But we observed him flexing
and strutting and singing songs in an effete falsetto.”
“I think Sheets hooks and slices his tee shots, if you
know what I’m sayin’,” said one of the graduate assistants on the sociologists’
team, asking to remain anonymous.
“The popular term for the U.S. team chemistry is 'Top Gun Gay',”
concluded Dr. Smithkline. “It’s a situation where things are totally straight,
but just seem a little bit off". It was noted in the sociologist’ report that
after winning the inter-squad match at Haymaker Golf Course, Sheets embraced
his partner, John “Atco” Atkins, saying “You can be my wingman any time!". "Bullshit!” Atco replied. “You can be
mine!"
The entire study is entitled “Fore Left! Comparisons of
socialization and assimilation behaviors among the men of Team USA” University
of Colorado Press, 2017.
Scotland Captain Ronald "Not So Wee Ronnie" Denholm is rumored to be contemplating numerous changes to the Quaich competition as he prepares to host the biannual golf event. But one thing will seem very familiar to the players ---- the venue. Archerfield Links, where the teams from Scotland and USA battled in 2010, will once again see Quaich action in 2018.
"Archerfield is the ideal Quaich venue," said N.S.W. Ronnie, who won both his matches at Archerfield in 2010. "I am particularly excited about tucking into the Archerfield breakfast sandwich! Scottish back bacon, John Gilmour
pork sausage, haggis, Stornoway black pudding. Yummy!"
"All I remember is they serve Budweiser at the turn," said James "Sheets" Moreland nostalgically. "It's over!"
The Quaich 2018 matches are tentatively planned for late May 2018.
Practice has started for Team Scotland's defence of the Quaich, and today the venue was the Castle Course in St. Andrews. Douglas "Slicer" Brown, Ross "Rosco" MacCallum and Ian "Big Man" MacCallum teed it up unaware of the drama to come. After an opening birdie and a big tee shot at the second, Slicer took a real heider as the threesome left the tee box. The damp conditions and a heavy Friday night conspired to deal a nasty fall for Slicer. Despite it being clear that Slicer had sustained a serious injury, the match continued. However, after 4 minutes, having not played his second shot, Slicer forfeited the match and the ensuing fiver to the Brothers MacCallum.
The hospital trip confirmed everyone's worst fears, and Slicer faces a lengthy time on the sidelines as surgeons had to reattach his quadriceps to his knee. While it's too early to rule Slicer out of Quaich 2018, he must be listed as "doubtful". Slicer tallied two and a half points in Austin and is seen as critical to Scotland's 2018 Quaich defence.
News of Slicer's misstep sent shock waves through the Scottish fan base. "I cannae believe it!" cried one young fan. All fans of the Quaich wish Slicer a speedy recovery from this setback.
Just twelve weeks removed from a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Scots in Austin in October, Team USA gathered in south Florida this week to begin practicing for the Quaich rematch in Scotland in 2018. The mood was decidedly somber as Team USA continue to collectively lick its wounds after losing the Quaich for the first time on home soil.
"We're not dwelling on last year," said Eric "Swayze" Silagy, refusing to comment on his own inept 1 - 3 performance in Austin. "We're focused on 2018."
Mother Nature provided ideal practice conditions, including a full day of rain where the Americans could break out the rain suits and rain-grip gloves that will be so essential across the pond next year.
"I hope the Scots are enjoying their time with the Quaich," said a confident USA Captain Chris "Guvna" Hughes. "Because it ain't gonna last long."
