A relaxed U.S. team descended on Steamboat Springs in
Colorado last week to begin preparations for next year’s Quaich matches. The entire team, with the notable exception
of Brian “Goombay” Farley, stayed at the vacation home of USA Captain Chris
“Guvna” Hughes. Because team infighting was
partially responsible for the USA’s embarrassing Quaich loss to the Scots in
October, Guvna brought in a group of clinical sociologists to evaluate team
chemistry. “We help our clients
understand how interpersonal and social forces affect team behavior,” said Erica
Glass, Ph.D., lead sociologist. “We
observed the team dynamic in Colorado as a first step to enacting positive
change in their Quaich results.”
“This team is a fascinating case study,” said Michael D.
Smithkline, Ph.D., another member of the group analyzing Team USA. “There are
so many complex forces at work in their relationships.”
“We first took note of the men wrestling for Alpha male
supremacy,” said Dr. Glass. “This is
turf normally claimed by the hard-driving team member they call ‘Swayze’. But interestingly the other members of the
team began pushing back against this convention almost immediately.”
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| Fruity cocktail |
Dr. Glass’ case notes point out that Ray “Mundo” Bonilla
insisted on driving the rental car to Steamboat Springs from Denver,
effectively taking the wheel from Eric “Swayze” Silagy. “This loss of control is difficult for
Swayze,” said Dr. Glass. “He has a fear of
being at the mercy of others and felt quite vulnerable during the team
weekend.” This feeling was exacerbated
when Stephen ‘Web’ Webster claimed the large bedroom with the king-sized bed
for himself, when the others on the team automatically assumed it would be
given to Swayze. “The situation was
oddly disorienting for Swayze but empowering for Web,” said Dr. Glass.
Dr. Smithkline focused on a different area of the team
chemistry. “There were very strong
homoerotic undercurrents throughout the weekend,” he said. Dr. Smithkline’s case notes reference frisky
towel snapping in the steamy shared bathrooms, fruity cocktails at dinner,
group hot tubs, and playful splashing at the Strawberry Park hot springs.
“The one they call Sheets is an intriguing contrast,” said
Dr. Smithkline referring to veteran USA player James “Sheets” Moreland. “On the one hand, he exhibits characteristics
of a traditional male role model. Tall,
handsome, athletic. But we observed him flexing
and strutting and singing songs in an effete falsetto.”
“I think Sheets hooks and slices his tee shots, if you
know what I’m sayin’,” said one of the graduate assistants on the sociologists’
team, asking to remain anonymous.
“The popular term for the U.S. team chemistry is 'Top Gun Gay',”
concluded Dr. Smithkline. “It’s a situation where things are totally straight,
but just seem a little bit off". It was noted in the sociologist’ report that
after winning the inter-squad match at Haymaker Golf Course, Sheets embraced
his partner, John “Atco” Atkins, saying “You can be my wingman any time!". "Bullshit!” Atco replied. “You can be
mine!"
The entire study is entitled “Fore Left! Comparisons of
socialization and assimilation behaviors among the men of Team USA” University
of Colorado Press, 2017.
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