Insider Report: Team USA Practice

Found it!  Web off the grid again.

Considering Team USA’s embarrassing defeat to the Scots just nine months earlier in Texas, the mood was oddly boisterous at the vacation home of USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes in Colorado this week.  “We’re just enjoyin’ each other’s company,” said Guvna. “We’re havin’ some laughs, savorin’ good food and drink, and playin’ a little golf.”

The comradery was off-the-charts.  The golf, on the other hand, was more difficult to measure.

Stephen “Web” Webster continued his inconsistent play.  Knowing he would rarely find a fairway with his erratic driver, Web deployed florescent orange Volvik golf balls to increase his chances of actually locating his tee shots in the rough.  “If he brings those goddam tangerines to Muirfield, I’ll f’ing bench the sumbitch,” said Guvna.

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne spent the off-season working on a longer backswing in an effort to gain more distance.  In Colorado, he found that he had lost 20 yards of distance on his drives.   Cudman was heard shouting invectives to his ball as it barely reached the fairway from the tee at Catamount Club on Sunday.  “Awwwww!  Suck a fat baby’s dick!” proved to be very popular.

James “Sheets” Moreland was imprecise with his iron play, often hitting well behind the ball and gouging huge divots in the fairway.  “I’ve used smaller shootin’ holes when I go duck huntin’,” said John “Atco” Atkins, pointing to Sheets’ enormous divot.

The rematch between Scotland and USA will be played in May 2018 in East Lothian, Scotland.

Team USA at Catamount Club in Colorado

Sociologists Examine Team USA Chemistry in Colorado

A relaxed U.S. team descended on Steamboat Springs in Colorado last week to begin preparations for next year’s Quaich matches.  The entire team, with the notable exception of Brian “Goombay” Farley, stayed at the vacation home of USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes.  Because team infighting was partially responsible for the USA’s embarrassing Quaich loss to the Scots in October, Guvna brought in a group of clinical sociologists to evaluate team chemistry.  “We help our clients understand how interpersonal and social forces affect team behavior,” said Erica Glass, Ph.D., lead sociologist.  “We observed the team dynamic in Colorado as a first step to enacting positive change in their Quaich results.”

“This team is a fascinating case study,” said Michael D. Smithkline, Ph.D., another member of the group analyzing Team USA. “There are so many complex forces at work in their relationships.”

“We first took note of the men wrestling for Alpha male supremacy,” said Dr. Glass.  “This is turf normally claimed by the hard-driving team member they call ‘Swayze’.  But interestingly the other members of the team began pushing back against this convention almost immediately.”    

Fruity cocktail

Dr. Glass’ case notes point out that Ray “Mundo” Bonilla insisted on driving the rental car to Steamboat Springs from Denver, effectively taking the wheel from Eric “Swayze” Silagy.  “This loss of control is difficult for Swayze,” said Dr. Glass.  “He has a fear of being at the mercy of others and felt quite vulnerable during the team weekend.”  This feeling was exacerbated when Stephen ‘Web’ Webster claimed the large bedroom with the king-sized bed for himself, when the others on the team automatically assumed it would be given to Swayze.  “The situation was oddly disorienting for Swayze but empowering for Web,” said Dr. Glass.

Dr. Smithkline focused on a different area of the team chemistry.  “There were very strong homoerotic undercurrents throughout the weekend,” he said.  Dr. Smithkline’s case notes reference frisky towel snapping in the steamy shared bathrooms, fruity cocktails at dinner, group hot tubs, and playful splashing at the Strawberry Park hot springs.

“The one they call Sheets is an intriguing contrast,” said Dr. Smithkline referring to veteran USA player James “Sheets” Moreland.  “On the one hand, he exhibits characteristics of a traditional male role model.  Tall, handsome, athletic.  But we observed him flexing and strutting and singing songs in an effete falsetto.”

“I think Sheets hooks and slices his tee shots, if you know what I’m sayin’,” said one of the graduate assistants on the sociologists’ team, asking to remain anonymous.

“The popular term for the U.S. team chemistry is 'Top Gun Gay',” concluded Dr. Smithkline. “It’s a situation where things are totally straight, but just seem a little bit off".    It was noted in the sociologist’ report that after winning the inter-squad match at Haymaker Golf Course, Sheets embraced his partner, John “Atco” Atkins, saying “You can be my wingman any time!".   "Bullshit!” Atco replied. “You can be mine!"

The entire study is entitled “Fore Left!  Comparisons of socialization and assimilation behaviors among the men of Team USA” University of Colorado Press, 2017.