Quaich 2018 - East Lothian

Sunday, June 3, 2018

FIASCO BY THE FIRTH! TEAM USA IMPLODES AT POST-MATCH PRESSER

Team USA failed to capture the coveted Quaich in East Lothian, suffering an embarrassing 14-6 loss to a seasoned and confident Team Scotland. The blamestorming from Team USA started immediately at an awkward post-tournament press conference held in the clubhouse at Archerfield. The assembled media asked tough questions as the members of Team USA sat at the dais with vacant expressions on their faces. The members of Team USA quickly turned on each other. The transcript for the press conference is below:

THE MODERATOR: We're joined by USA Captain Chris Hughes and the members of Team USA. Let’s start taking questions. Yes, in the back?

Q: Yes, Niall Applegate with Sunday Sport. Guvna, you’ve suffered two defeats in your captaincy, making you the worst performing captain in Quaich history. What do you need to do to be more successful as a leader and as a team?

USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Listen, you’re dancin’ in the hog trough, my friend. If I could put my finger on it, I would have changed this shit a long time ago! We are going to keep searching.

Q: Goombay, you just had the worst Quaich performance in your 12-year career. It was well below your standards. Why was this year so bad?

Brian "Goombay" Farley: I had no partner support. I was basically out there on my own! I can’t win this thing by myself.

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne: Goombay is just being a prima douche. I played his ball by mistake, okay? Okay? He doesn’t have to be such a jackhole.

John “Atco” Atkins: Guys, stop! We are looking for reasons, not excuses. Losing like we have, you just feel like you’ve got to do something different.

Ray “Mundo” Bonilla: I’ll tell you what needs to be different, Atco. Your face! I’m sorry, I’m frustrated.

John “Atco” Atkins: That was uncalled for. We need to maintain respect for each other.

Brian "Goombay" Farley: Whatever, fuck-knuckle. This isn’t a meeting of the Caddo Parish Commission.

Q: This is a question for anyone. Do you feel there should be accountability for this defeat?

Eric “Swayze” Silagy: Damn right. Somebody’s gonna get fired! We will not tolerate this kind of failure.

Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Are you talking about me, Swayze? You can’t fire me! I’m not some electrical substation engineer who mistakenly disabled two layers of relay protection!

Eric “Swayze” Silagy: Wait. How did you hear about that…?

Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Go back to tracking hurricanes, asshamper.

Q: Web, you are the poet laureate of the Quaich, so you must have been inspired by staying in the house here at Archerfield in which Robert Louis Stevenson wrote Treasure Island. Would you agree that is the greatest work of fiction ever to be produced in Scotland?

Stephen “Web” Webster: Yes, it is a great piece of Scottish fiction, second only to Ronnie’s handicap.

James “Sheets” Moreland: Truedat!

Q: Roy Lang with Shreveport Times. Sheets, you were the points leader for Team USA. To what do you owe your success?

James “Sheets” Moreland: Complete lack of preparation. I just went out there and freewheeled it.

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne: Oh my God! I am so sick of your ‘I never practice’ bullshit.

James “Sheets” Moreland: What was your record this year, dickfingers?

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne: Bite me.

James “Sheets” Moreland: O-Fer.

Good friends from Team USA

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Scotland Surges Into Lead in Foursomes

Team Scotland took 3½ of a possible 4 points on Saturday in the alternate shot “foursomes” format. Sky Sports golf analyst Denis Pugh believes the Scots do well in foursomes because of team chemistry. “The Scottish team has a tighter bond than that of America," said Pugh. “They are comfortable relying on each other and believe a win for one is a win for all.” Pugh went on the contrast those traits with that of the members of Team USA. “The Americans are not a team,” said Pugh. “They are a collection of individuals who live and die by individual accomplishment.”

Brothers Ross “Rosco” MacCallum and Ian “Big Man” MacCallum have been a pair since they shared a pram and dummy as infants in Edinburgh. It was no surprise that the Brothers MacCallum cruised to a 1 UP victory in their match against John “Atco” Atkins and Chris “Guvna” Hughes.

Americans Stephen “Web” Webster and Chris “Cudman” Van Horne, who combined have produced a meager 2 points in the last two Quaich matches, were pitted against a strong Scottish team of Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm and Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson, who have the highest match winning percentages of any active players in Team Scotland history. “Team Sacrificial Lamb”, as Web and Cudman were known within the USA team room, fought valiantly but ultimately succumbed to the powerful Scots 2 & 1 after running low on Pimm’s and Lemonade 250ml cans. “When they put Web and Cudman out together,” said one unnamed Scotsman. “We knew the Guvna had lost the plot.”

The Scottish team of Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford and Michael “Wee Mikey P” Peyrebrune were 5 UP on the American team of James “Sheets” Moreland and Brian “Goombay” Farley after 12 holes. At that point, the American duo raced back to the halfway house for another six-pack of beer, fueling them to win 5 the next 6 holes to preserve a halve for the match. It proved to be Team USA’s only points of the day. Of note, Wee Mikey P, who had never had a draw in a match in his long Quaich history, managed 3 of them in the 2018 event.

In the final match of the day, a well-preserved Tony “Hef” Denson partnered with Douglas “Slicer” Brown for a 2 UP victory for Team Scotland over Ray “Mundo” Bonilla and Eric “Swayze” Silagy.

Team Scotland leads 7½ to 4½ going into the final day of the 2018 Quaich.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Scotland Wins Quaich Golf Skills Challenge

Team Scotland won the golf skills challenge held at the Archerfield Performance Centre on the evening prior to the commencement of the 2018 Quaich. The players' skills were tested and scored in three categories: putting, chipping and full shots. Scotland beat the USA by a slim 18 point margin.

We asked Scotland captain Ronald "NSW Ronnie" Denholm if the results could be seen as an omen for the Quaich matches. "I certainly hope so," said NSW Ronnie. "Although I personally hope to do a wee bit better than I did tonight in the skills challenge." NSW Ronnie finished in last place for Team Scotland in the skills challenge.

"Do you think I jus' fell off the turnip truck?" said USA captain Chris "Guvna" Hughes when told of NSW Ronnie's comments. "Ronnie's sandbaggin'. He's so crooked, if he swallowed a nail, he spit up a corkscrew. With his handicap, he ain't going to be at the bottom of any list when the sun goes down."

We'll find out starting tomorrow!

Final Scores from Quaich Golf Skills Challenge

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Opening Day Forecast: Wind and Rain As Usual

The opening day of the 2018 Quaich matches are just one month away! When played in Scotland, the first day of competition has repeatedly been played in horrible weather. In 2002 during the first round at Elie, the teams battled each other and the elements, with Scotland surging to an early lead they would never relinquish. Will the sun be shining on the players when the opening tee shots are struck at Muirfield on May 31?

US and Scottish teams on opening day at Elie in May 2002

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Scottish Captain Provides Insight and Perspective at Press Conference

Golf journalists from around the globe gathered at Archerfield House this afternoon for the traditional press conference held by the Captain of the reigning Quaich champions. The presser with Scottish Captain Ronald "Not So Wee Ronnie" Denholm, who is known for his intelligence and quick wit, was hotly anticipated by the 64 journalists in attendance. NSW Ronnie did not disappoint. He was thoughtful and articulate in giving answers to a wide range of questions posed by the assembled press corps. The entire press conference can be viewed on the link below:

The 2018 Quaich begins on May 31 in East Lothian, Scotland.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Defection! Will “Wee Mikey” Join U.S. Team in Massive Quaich Shake-Up?

Surveillance photo of Wee Mikey at airport in Chicago on December 29

Quaich fans worldwide were stunned by the news that long-time Scottish player Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford has defected to the United States. Wee Mikey slipped undetected into the U.S. sometime in late December. Intelligence officials at MI6 in London were alerted to Wee Mikey’s movements when he cleared U.S. Customs at Chicago’s O’Hare airport on December 29 but were unable to track his whereabouts from there.

Wee Mikey (left) at Steamboat in Colorado on December 31

Anonymous sources have confirmed that Wee Mikey has been disillusioned with his role on Team Scotland for more than a year. During Quaich 2016 in Texas, Mikey chafed at team rules including strict curfews, limited alcohol, and no copulation on match nights. While many applauded these rules as key to Scotland’s “winning formula” in 2016, Mikey was clearly not among them. He was also vocal is his displeasure of being paired with the same partner, Tony “Hef” Denson, for all of the team matches.

“Wee Mikey is a nonconformist,” said a high-ranking member of Team USA. “He was never going to be happy in an environment that placed restrictions on him.”

Since arriving in the U.S., Wee Mikey has been spotted skiing in Colorado and playing golf in Florida. When he was seen on the grounds of the Medalist Golf Club on the same day as the Team USA Quaich tryouts, all of Scotland shuddered in disbelief. Could he possibly be cozying up to the opposition?

Wee Mikey (far left) and Team USA in Florida

Team USA officials were coy about offering Wee Mikey a spot on the team. “He’s a helluva free agent,” said U.S. Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes. “Mikey is the number two all-time points guy fer Scotland, so we’d be pleased as all git out to have him notch some of those wins for our side.”

Wee Mikey could not be reached for comment. There are unsubstantiated rumors that he is presently living in a condo in Tuscaloosa and has a 19-year-old American girlfriend named Britney.