NSW Ronnie Becomes Career Points Leader

Ronald "NSW Ronnie" Denholm surged to the top of the all-time list of Quaich winners as a result of going undefeated again in 2018.  Winning has become a habit for NSW Ronnie who hasn't lost a match since the 2008 Quaich. 

"Ronnie is a rerr one," said Allen "Oor Wullie" Wilson. "He gave me a full collie-buckie in foursomes."

"Guan, Ronnie!" said Michael "Wee Mikey" Redford.

Quaich 2018 By The Numbers

The final match results from East Lothian

Individual point totals for Quaich 2018

R. Denholm	4.0
T. Denson	3.0
R. MacCallum	3.0
D. Brown	2.5
M. Redford	2.5
I. MacCallum	2.5
A. Wilson	2.5
J. Moreland	2.5
R. Bonilla	2.0
M. Peyrebrune	1.5
E. Silagy	1.5
J. Atkins	1.5
B. Farley	1.5
C. Hughes	1.0
S. Webster	0.5
C. Van Horne	0.0

Back to Back for Scotland!

Team Scotland won the 2018 Quaich in dominant fashion with a final score of 14 – 6 over a beleaguered team from the USA.  Scotland Captain Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm led his team to its first back-to-back victories in the history of the Quaich.

“I’m enormously proud of my team,” said NSW Ronnie. “To a man, they played fantastic.”

Team Scotland was strong top to bottom with every player bringing in multiple points during the four days of matches.  The result was the most lop-sided victory since the infamous “Rout in the Rockies” in 2008, where Team USA won 18 – 6 in the Roaring Fork Valley of Colorado

Scotland needed to look no further than its captain for inspiration this week. NSW Ronnie led the team with a perfect 4 points.  In fact, NSW Ronnie has not lost a match in the Quaich series since the modified scramble at Lakota Canyon Golf Club in 2008.  “I blame that loss on my partner at the time,” said NSW Ronnie, referring to Graeme “H” Wilson who was subsequently dropped from the team roster.

Victory again!

Douglas “Slicer” Brown epitomized the grit of this Scottish team.  “Ah canny play,” said Slicer at the start of the week. “I've got a gammie leg.”  But Slicer showed up ready to play despite a diagnosis of patellar tendonitis in his right knee.  Ignoring the pain that came with every downswing, Slicer brought home 2.5 points for his team.

The eternally youthful Tony “Hef” Denson had another strong performance in East Lothian.  He delivered 3 points, proving he is a long way from hanging up his spikes.  He also educated his playing partners on his latest carnal accomplishments including something called the Bosnian see-saw and a Norwegian torch blower.

Ross “Rosco” MacCallum also brought in 3 points including an inspirational singles win on Sunday over long-time American rival Chris “Cudman” Van Horne.  The two players should have been playing in a steel cage with boxing gloves on because it was golfing slugfest over 18 holes at Archerfield’s Fidra course.  The pair have now met in 7 times in Quaich singles competition with a cumulative match record of 2-2-3.  “By the way absolutely heehaw wrong with tha’!” exclaimed Rosco after his win.

The matches were tied at 4 points for each team after the first two days of competition.  After that successful start, however, Team USA managed only 2 points over the final two days of play.  Team USA struggled with the foursomes format on Saturday at the Archerfield Direleton course, managing just a half point from the day.  Trailing by 3 points going into the final day of competition, USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes nonetheless put his team in position to win on Sunday with shrewd singles matchups.  Six of eight matches still hung in the balance on the 18^th tee, giving Team USA an outside chance of victory.  But the players from Team Scotland showed their hearts were brave by closing out all of them with scores of par or better.

“Team USA choked,” concluded Rosco at the end of the day.

“Team Scotland played the best golf,” offered Guvna with cold eyes and tight smile.  “They holed putts when they had to and we missed them. They deserve to retain the Quaich.”

FIASCO BY THE FIRTH! TEAM USA IMPLODES AT POST-MATCH PRESSER

Team USA failed to capture the coveted Quaich in East Lothian, suffering an embarrassing 14-6 loss to a seasoned and confident Team Scotland.  The blamestorming from Team USA started immediately at an awkward post-tournament press conference held in the clubhouse at Archerfield.  The assembled media asked tough questions as the members of Team USA sat at the dais with vacant expressions on their faces.  The members of Team USA quickly turned on each other. The transcript for the press conference is below:

THE MODERATOR: We're joined by USA Captain Chris Hughes and the members of Team USA.  Let’s start taking questions.  Yes, in the back?

Q: Yes, Niall Applegate with Sunday Sport.  Guvna, you’ve suffered two defeats in your captaincy, making you the worst performing captain in Quaich history.  What do you need to do to be more successful as a leader and as a team?

USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Listen, you’re dancin’ in the hog trough, my friend.  If I could put my finger on it, I would have changed this shit a long time ago!  We are going to keep searching.

Q: Goombay, you just had the worst Quaich performance in your 12-year career. It was well below your standards.  Why was this year so bad?

Brian "Goombay" Farley: I had no partner support.  I was basically out there on my own! I can’t win this thing by myself.

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne: Goombay is just being a prima douche.  I played his ball by mistake, okay?  Okay?  He doesn’t have to be such a jackhole.

John “Atco” Atkins: Guys, stop!  We are looking for reasons, not excuses. Losing like we have, you just feel like you’ve got to do something different.

Ray “Mundo” Bonilla: I’ll tell you what needs to be different, Atco. Your face!  I’m sorry, I’m frustrated.

John “Atco” Atkins: That was uncalled for.  We need to maintain respect for each other.

Brian "Goombay" Farley:  Whatever, fuck-knuckle.  This isn’t a meeting of the Caddo Parish Commission.

Q: This is a question for anyone. Do you feel there should be accountability for this defeat?

Eric “Swayze” Silagy: Damn right.  Somebody’s gonna get fired! We will not tolerate this kind of failure.

Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Are you talking about me, Swayze?  You can’t fire me!  I’m not some electrical substation engineer who mistakenly disabled two layers of relay protection!

Eric “Swayze” Silagy: Wait. How did you hear about that…?

Chris “Guvna” Hughes: Go back to tracking hurricanes, asshamper.

Q: Web, you are the poet laureate of the Quaich, so you must have been inspired by staying in the house here at Archerfield in which Robert Louis Stevenson wrote Treasure Island.  Would you agree that is the greatest work of fiction ever to be produced in Scotland?

Stephen “Web” Webster: Yes, it is a great piece of Scottish fiction, second only to Ronnie’s handicap.

James “Sheets” Moreland: Truedat!

Q: Roy Lang with Shreveport Times.  Sheets, you were the points leader for Team USA.  To what do you owe your success?

James “Sheets” Moreland: Complete lack of preparation. I just went out there and freewheeled it.

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne:  Oh my God!  I am so sick of your ‘I never practice’ bullshit. 

James “Sheets” Moreland: What was your record this year, dickfingers?

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne:  Bite me.

James “Sheets” Moreland: O-Fer.

Good friends from Team USA

Scotland Surges Into Lead in Foursomes

Team Scotland took 3½ of a possible 4 points on Saturday in the alternate shot “foursomes” format.  Sky Sports golf analyst Denis Pugh believes the Scots do well in foursomes because of team chemistry.  “The Scottish team has a tighter bond than that of America," said Pugh. “They are comfortable relying on each other and believe a win for one is a win for all.”  Pugh went on the contrast those traits with that of the members of Team USA.  “The Americans are not a team,” said Pugh. “They are a collection of individuals who live and die by individual accomplishment.”

Brothers Ross “Rosco” MacCallum and Ian “Big Man” MacCallum have been a pair since they shared a pram and dummy as infants in Edinburgh.  It was no surprise that the Brothers MacCallum cruised to a 1 UP victory in their match against John “Atco” Atkins and Chris “Guvna” Hughes.

Americans Stephen “Web” Webster and Chris “Cudman” Van Horne, who combined have produced a meager 2 points in the last two Quaich matches, were pitted against a strong Scottish team of Ronald “NSW Ronnie” Denholm and Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson, who have the highest match winning percentages of any active players in Team Scotland history.  “Team Sacrificial Lamb”, as Web and Cudman were known within the USA team room, fought valiantly but ultimately succumbed to the powerful Scots 2 & 1 after running low on Pimm’s and Lemonade 250ml cans.  “When they put Web and Cudman out together,” said one unnamed Scotsman. “We knew the Guvna had lost the plot.”

The Scottish team of Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford and Michael “Wee Mikey P” Peyrebrune were 5 UP on the American team of James “Sheets” Moreland and Brian “Goombay” Farley after 12 holes.  At that point, the American duo raced back to the halfway house for another six-pack of beer, fueling them to win 5 the next 6 holes to preserve a halve for the match.  It proved to be Team USA’s only points of the day.  Of note, Wee Mikey P, who had never had a draw in a match in his long Quaich history, managed 3 of them in the 2018 event.

In the final match of the day, a well-preserved Tony “Hef” Denson partnered with Douglas “Slicer” Brown for a 2 UP victory for Team Scotland over Ray “Mundo” Bonilla and Eric “Swayze” Silagy. 

Team Scotland leads 7½ to 4½ going into the final day of the 2018 Quaich.

Scotland Wins Quaich Golf Skills Challenge

Team Scotland won the golf skills challenge held at the Archerfield Performance Centre on the evening prior to the commencement of the 2018 Quaich.   The players' skills were tested and scored in three categories: putting, chipping and full shots.  Scotland beat the USA by a slim 18 point margin. 

We asked Scotland captain Ronald "NSW Ronnie" Denholm if the results could be seen as an omen for the Quaich matches.  "I certainly hope so," said NSW Ronnie. "Although I  personally hope to do a wee bit better than I did tonight in the skills challenge."  NSW Ronnie finished in last place for Team Scotland in the skills challenge.

"Do you think I jus' fell off the turnip truck?"  said USA captain Chris "Guvna" Hughes when told of NSW Ronnie's comments. "Ronnie's sandbaggin'. He's so crooked, if he swallowed a nail, he spit up a corkscrew. With his handicap, he ain't going to be at the bottom of any list when the sun goes down."

We'll find out starting tomorrow!

Final Scores from Quaich Golf Skills Challenge

Opening Day Forecast: Wind and Rain As Usual

The opening day of the 2018 Quaich matches are just one month away! When played in Scotland, the first day of competition has repeatedly been played in horrible weather. In 2002 during the first round at Elie, the teams battled each other and the elements, with Scotland surging to an early lead they would never relinquish. Will the sun be shining on the players when the opening tee shots are struck at Muirfield on May 31?

US and Scottish teams on opening day at Elie in May 2002

Scottish Captain Provides Insight and Perspective at Press Conference

Golf journalists from around the globe gathered at Archerfield House this afternoon for the traditional press conference held by the Captain of the reigning Quaich champions.   The presser with Scottish Captain Ronald "Not So Wee Ronnie" Denholm, who is known for his intelligence and quick wit, was hotly anticipated by the 64 journalists in attendance.  NSW Ronnie did not disappoint.  He was thoughtful and articulate in giving answers to a wide range of questions posed by the assembled press corps.  The entire press conference can be viewed on the link below:

The 2018 Quaich begins on May 31 in East Lothian, Scotland.

Defection! Will “Wee Mikey” Join U.S. Team in Massive Quaich Shake-Up?

Surveillance photo of Wee Mikey at airport in Chicago on December 29 

Quaich fans worldwide were stunned by the news that long-time Scottish player Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford has defected to the United States.  Wee Mikey slipped undetected into the U.S. sometime in late December.  Intelligence officials at MI6 in London were alerted to Wee Mikey’s movements when he cleared U.S. Customs at Chicago’s O’Hare airport on December 29 but were unable to track his whereabouts from there. 

Wee Mikey (left) at Steamboat in Colorado on December 31

Anonymous sources have confirmed that Wee Mikey has been disillusioned with his role on Team Scotland for more than a year.  During Quaich 2016 in Texas, Mikey chafed at team rules including strict curfews, limited alcohol, and no copulation on match nights.  While many applauded these rules as key to Scotland’s “winning formula” in 2016, Mikey was clearly not among them.  He was also vocal is his displeasure of being paired with the same partner, Tony “Hef” Denson, for all of the team matches. 

“Wee Mikey is a nonconformist,” said a high-ranking member of Team USA.  “He was never going to be happy in an environment that placed restrictions on him.”

Since arriving in the U.S., Wee Mikey has been spotted skiing in Colorado and playing golf in Florida.  When he was seen on the grounds of the Medalist Golf Club on the same day as the Team USA Quaich tryouts, all of Scotland shuddered in disbelief.  Could he possibly be cozying up to the opposition?

Wee Mikey (far left) and Team USA in Florida

Team USA officials were coy about offering Wee Mikey a spot on the team.  “He’s a helluva free agent,” said U.S. Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes.  “Mikey is the number two all-time points guy fer Scotland, so we’d be pleased as all git out to have him notch some of those wins for our side.”

Wee Mikey could not be reached for comment.  There are unsubstantiated rumors that he is presently living in a condo in Tuscaloosa and has a 19-year-old American girlfriend named Britney.

Quaich 2018 Schedule

The schedule of events for the 2018 Quaich matches has been announced.

Wednesday, 30 May

Archerfield

Arrivals - 3 p.m.

Team Activity - 5 p.m.

Opening Ceremonies - 6 p.m.

Thursday, 31 May

Round 1 (format TBD)

Muirfield (http://www.muirfield.org.uk/)

Friday, 1 June

Round 2 (format TBD)

North Berwick (https://www.northberwickgolfclub.com/)

Saturday, 2 June

Round 3 (format TBD)

Archerfield - Direleton (https://archerfieldgolfclub.com/)

Sunday, 3 June

Round 4 (Singles)

Archerfield - Fidra (https://archerfieldgolfclub.com/)

Closing Dinner & Ceremony
Archerfield

Hogmanay Greetings from Scotland

Team Scotland Captain Ronald "NSW Ronnie" Denholm sent well wishes to all fans of his team on Hogmanay.

A typical NSW Ronnie Instagram post from December

"A guid New Year and mony may ye see!" said Ronnie.  "May ye ne'er want a frien' or a dram to gie him!"

NSW Ronnie has been particularly exuberant in the months leading up to the 2018 Quaich.   His team is in great form and expected to successfully defend the Quaich in East Lothian in May.  

NSW's Instagram feed is full of smiling photos from team practices as well as his favorite recipes.

"It's great to see Ronnie so positive," said one source close to the team.  "His confidence is palpable.  It's as if he's added five inches in height since the last Quaich matches."

According to Ladbroke's, Team Scotland is a 2.5 point favorite to retain the Quaich in May in matches to be held in East Lothian, Scotland

Happy Times: NSW Ronnie with Rosco and Big Man at Elie

President Trump Goes After Team USA in Epic Twitter Rant

U.S. President Donald Trump has set his sights on the men of Team USA.  In an epic Twitter-storm, Trump called out members of the team for their lackluster performance in recent Quaich matches.  Pundits are unsure as to whether Trump is trying to motivate the team with his tweets or simply distance himself from the underdogs ahead of an expected loss in May.

The President did make an appearance at Team USA practice near his home in Palm Beach, Florida recently.  However, rather than encourage the team, he threatened them with exportation.  In shaking hands with team members, including Eric "Swayze" Silagy as seen below, the President said, "If you don't win, don't bother coming home. This country is not for losers." 

"If you don't win," said President Trump to Swayze. "Don't bother coming home."

Insider Report: Team USA Practice

Found it!  Web off the grid again.

Considering Team USA’s embarrassing defeat to the Scots just nine months earlier in Texas, the mood was oddly boisterous at the vacation home of USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes in Colorado this week.  “We’re just enjoyin’ each other’s company,” said Guvna. “We’re havin’ some laughs, savorin’ good food and drink, and playin’ a little golf.”

The comradery was off-the-charts.  The golf, on the other hand, was more difficult to measure.

Stephen “Web” Webster continued his inconsistent play.  Knowing he would rarely find a fairway with his erratic driver, Web deployed florescent orange Volvik golf balls to increase his chances of actually locating his tee shots in the rough.  “If he brings those goddam tangerines to Muirfield, I’ll f’ing bench the sumbitch,” said Guvna.

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne spent the off-season working on a longer backswing in an effort to gain more distance.  In Colorado, he found that he had lost 20 yards of distance on his drives.   Cudman was heard shouting invectives to his ball as it barely reached the fairway from the tee at Catamount Club on Sunday.  “Awwwww!  Suck a fat baby’s dick!” proved to be very popular.

James “Sheets” Moreland was imprecise with his iron play, often hitting well behind the ball and gouging huge divots in the fairway.  “I’ve used smaller shootin’ holes when I go duck huntin’,” said John “Atco” Atkins, pointing to Sheets’ enormous divot.

The rematch between Scotland and USA will be played in May 2018 in East Lothian, Scotland.

Team USA at Catamount Club in Colorado

Sociologists Examine Team USA Chemistry in Colorado

A relaxed U.S. team descended on Steamboat Springs in Colorado last week to begin preparations for next year’s Quaich matches.  The entire team, with the notable exception of Brian “Goombay” Farley, stayed at the vacation home of USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes.  Because team infighting was partially responsible for the USA’s embarrassing Quaich loss to the Scots in October, Guvna brought in a group of clinical sociologists to evaluate team chemistry.  “We help our clients understand how interpersonal and social forces affect team behavior,” said Erica Glass, Ph.D., lead sociologist.  “We observed the team dynamic in Colorado as a first step to enacting positive change in their Quaich results.”

“This team is a fascinating case study,” said Michael D. Smithkline, Ph.D., another member of the group analyzing Team USA. “There are so many complex forces at work in their relationships.”

“We first took note of the men wrestling for Alpha male supremacy,” said Dr. Glass.  “This is turf normally claimed by the hard-driving team member they call ‘Swayze’.  But interestingly the other members of the team began pushing back against this convention almost immediately.”    

Fruity cocktail

Dr. Glass’ case notes point out that Ray “Mundo” Bonilla insisted on driving the rental car to Steamboat Springs from Denver, effectively taking the wheel from Eric “Swayze” Silagy.  “This loss of control is difficult for Swayze,” said Dr. Glass.  “He has a fear of being at the mercy of others and felt quite vulnerable during the team weekend.”  This feeling was exacerbated when Stephen ‘Web’ Webster claimed the large bedroom with the king-sized bed for himself, when the others on the team automatically assumed it would be given to Swayze.  “The situation was oddly disorienting for Swayze but empowering for Web,” said Dr. Glass.

Dr. Smithkline focused on a different area of the team chemistry.  “There were very strong homoerotic undercurrents throughout the weekend,” he said.  Dr. Smithkline’s case notes reference frisky towel snapping in the steamy shared bathrooms, fruity cocktails at dinner, group hot tubs, and playful splashing at the Strawberry Park hot springs.

“The one they call Sheets is an intriguing contrast,” said Dr. Smithkline referring to veteran USA player James “Sheets” Moreland.  “On the one hand, he exhibits characteristics of a traditional male role model.  Tall, handsome, athletic.  But we observed him flexing and strutting and singing songs in an effete falsetto.”

“I think Sheets hooks and slices his tee shots, if you know what I’m sayin’,” said one of the graduate assistants on the sociologists’ team, asking to remain anonymous.

“The popular term for the U.S. team chemistry is 'Top Gun Gay',” concluded Dr. Smithkline. “It’s a situation where things are totally straight, but just seem a little bit off".    It was noted in the sociologist’ report that after winning the inter-squad match at Haymaker Golf Course, Sheets embraced his partner, John “Atco” Atkins, saying “You can be my wingman any time!".   "Bullshit!” Atco replied. “You can be mine!"

The entire study is entitled “Fore Left!  Comparisons of socialization and assimilation behaviors among the men of Team USA” University of Colorado Press, 2017.

Quaich to Return to Archerfield Links in 2018

Scotland Captain Ronald "Not So Wee Ronnie" Denholm is rumored to be contemplating numerous changes to the Quaich competition as he prepares to host the biannual golf event.  But one thing will seem very familiar to the players ---- the venue.  Archerfield Links, where the teams from Scotland and USA battled in 2010, will once again see Quaich action in 2018.

"Archerfield is the ideal Quaich venue," said N.S.W. Ronnie, who won both his matches at Archerfield in 2010. "I am particularly excited about tucking into the Archerfield breakfast sandwich! Scottish back bacon, John Gilmour pork sausage, haggis, Stornoway black pudding. Yummy!"

"All I remember is they serve Budweiser at the turn," said James "Sheets" Moreland nostalgically.  "It's over!"

The Quaich 2018 matches are tentatively planned for late May 2018.

The Curse of the Castle Course has struck Team Scotland

Slicer sporting a "Full Stookie"

Practice has started for Team Scotland's defence of the Quaich, and today the venue was the Castle Course in St. Andrews.
Douglas "Slicer" Brown, Ross "Rosco" MacCallum and Ian "Big Man" MacCallum teed it up unaware of the drama to come.  After an opening birdie and a big tee shot at the second, Slicer took a real heider as the threesome left the tee box.  The damp conditions and a heavy Friday night conspired to deal a nasty fall for Slicer. 

Despite it being clear that Slicer had sustained a serious injury, the match continued.  However, after 4 minutes, having not played his second shot, Slicer forfeited the match and the ensuing fiver to the Brothers MacCallum.

The hospital trip confirmed everyone's worst fears, and Slicer faces a lengthy time on the sidelines as surgeons had to reattach his quadriceps to his knee.  While it's too early to rule Slicer out of Quaich 2018, he must be listed as "doubtful".  Slicer tallied two and a half points in Austin and is seen as critical to Scotland's 2018 Quaich defence.

News of Slicer's misstep sent shock waves through the Scottish fan base.  "I cannae believe it!"  cried one young fan.   All fans of the Quaich wish Slicer a speedy recovery from this setback.

Team USA Commences Training For Quaich 2018

Goombay and Swayze in the rain in Florida

Just twelve weeks removed from a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Scots in Austin in October, Team USA gathered in south Florida this week to begin practicing for the Quaich rematch in Scotland in 2018.  The mood was decidedly somber as Team USA continue to collectively lick its wounds after losing the Quaich for the first time on home soil.

"We're not dwelling on last year," said Eric "Swayze" Silagy, refusing to comment on his own inept 1 - 3 performance in Austin.  "We're focused on 2018."

Mother Nature provided ideal practice conditions, including a full day of rain where the Americans could break out the rain suits and rain-grip gloves that will be so essential across the pond next year.

"I hope the Scots are enjoying their time with the Quaich," said a confident USA Captain Chris "Guvna" Hughes.  "Because it ain't gonna last long."