Golf journalists from around the globe gathered at Archerfield House this afternoon for the traditional press conference held by the Captain of the reigning Quaich champions. The presser with Scottish Captain Ronald "Not So Wee Ronnie" Denholm, who is known for his intelligence and quick wit, was hotly anticipated by the 64 journalists in attendance. NSW Ronnie did not disappoint. He was thoughtful and articulate in giving answers to a wide range of questions posed by the assembled press corps. The entire press conference can be viewed on the link below:
The 2018 Quaich begins on May 31 in East Lothian, Scotland.
Surveillance photo of Wee Mikey at airport in Chicago on December 29
Quaich fans worldwide were stunned by the news that
long-time Scottish player Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford has defected to the
United States. Wee Mikey slipped undetected
into the U.S. sometime in late December.
Intelligence officials at MI6 in London were alerted to Wee Mikey’s
movements when he cleared U.S. Customs at Chicago’s O’Hare airport on December
29 but were unable to track his whereabouts from there.
Wee Mikey (left) at Steamboat in Colorado on December 31
Anonymous sources have confirmed that Wee Mikey has been disillusioned
with his role on Team Scotland for more than a year. During Quaich 2016 in Texas, Mikey chafed at
team rules including strict curfews, limited alcohol, and no copulation on
match nights. While many applauded these
rules as key to Scotland’s “winning formula” in 2016, Mikey was clearly not
among them. He was also vocal is his
displeasure of being paired with the same partner, Tony “Hef” Denson, for all
of the team matches.
“Wee Mikey is a nonconformist,” said a high-ranking member
of Team USA. “He was never going to be
happy in an environment that placed restrictions on him.”
Since arriving in the U.S., Wee Mikey has been spotted
skiing in Colorado and playing golf in Florida.
When he was seen on the grounds of the Medalist Golf Club on the same
day as the Team USA Quaich tryouts, all of Scotland shuddered in
disbelief. Could he possibly be cozying up
to the opposition?
Wee Mikey (far left) and Team USA in Florida
Team USA officials were coy about offering Wee Mikey a spot
on the team. “He’s a helluva free
agent,” said U.S. Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes.
“Mikey is the number two all-time points guy fer Scotland, so we’d be
pleased as all git out to have him notch some of those wins for our side.”
Wee Mikey could not be reached for comment. There are unsubstantiated rumors that he is
presently living in a condo in Tuscaloosa and has a 19-year-old American
girlfriend named Britney.
Team Scotland Captain Ronald "NSW Ronnie" Denholm sent well wishes to all fans of his team on Hogmanay.
A typical NSW Ronnie Instagram post from December
"A guid New Year and mony may ye see!" said Ronnie. "May ye ne'er want a frien' or a dram to gie him!" NSW Ronnie has been particularly exuberant in the months leading up to the 2018 Quaich. His team is in great form and expected to successfully defend the Quaich in East Lothian in May. NSW's Instagram feed is full of smiling photos from team practices as well as his favorite recipes. "It's great to see Ronnie so positive," said one source close to the team. "His confidence is palpable. It's as if he's added five inches in height since the last Quaich matches." According to Ladbroke's, Team Scotland is a 2.5 point favorite to retain the Quaich in May in matches to be held in East Lothian, Scotland
Happy Times: NSW Ronnie with Rosco and Big Man at Elie
U.S. President Donald Trump has set his sights on the men of Team USA. In an epic Twitter-storm, Trump called out members of the team for their lackluster performance in recent Quaich matches. Pundits are unsure as to whether Trump is trying to motivate the team with his tweets or simply distance himself from the underdogs ahead of an expected loss in May.
The President did make an appearance at Team USA practice near his home in Palm Beach, Florida recently. However, rather than encourage the team, he threatened them with exportation. In shaking hands with team members, including Eric "Swayze" Silagy as seen below, the President said, "If you don't win, don't bother coming home. This country is not for losers."
"If you don't win," said President Trump to Swayze. "Don't bother coming home."
Considering Team USA’s embarrassing defeat to the Scots just
nine months earlier in Texas, the mood was oddly boisterous at the vacation
home of USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes in Colorado this week. “We’re just enjoyin’ each other’s company,”
said Guvna. “We’re havin’ some laughs, savorin’ good food and drink, and
playin’ a little golf.”
The comradery was off-the-charts. The golf, on the other hand, was more difficult
to measure.
Stephen “Web” Webster continued his inconsistent play. Knowing he would rarely find a fairway with
his erratic driver, Web deployed florescent orange Volvik golf balls to
increase his chances of actually locating his tee shots in the rough. “If he brings those goddam tangerines to
Muirfield, I’ll f’ing bench the sumbitch,” said Guvna.
Chris “Cudman” Van Horne spent the off-season working on a
longer backswing in an effort to gain more distance. In Colorado, he found that he had lost 20
yards of distance on his drives. Cudman
was heard shouting invectives to his ball as it barely reached the fairway from
the tee at Catamount Club on Sunday. “Awwwww! Suck a fat baby’s dick!” proved to be very
popular.
James “Sheets” Moreland was imprecise with his iron play,
often hitting well behind the ball and gouging huge divots in the fairway. “I’ve used smaller shootin’ holes when I go
duck huntin’,” said John “Atco” Atkins, pointing to Sheets’ enormous divot.
The rematch between Scotland and USA will be played in May 2018 in East Lothian, Scotland.
A relaxed U.S. team descended on Steamboat Springs in
Colorado last week to begin preparations for next year’s Quaich matches. The entire team, with the notable exception
of Brian “Goombay” Farley, stayed at the vacation home of USA Captain Chris
“Guvna” Hughes. Because team infighting was
partially responsible for the USA’s embarrassing Quaich loss to the Scots in
October, Guvna brought in a group of clinical sociologists to evaluate team
chemistry. “We help our clients
understand how interpersonal and social forces affect team behavior,” said Erica
Glass, Ph.D., lead sociologist. “We
observed the team dynamic in Colorado as a first step to enacting positive
change in their Quaich results.”
“This team is a fascinating case study,” said Michael D.
Smithkline, Ph.D., another member of the group analyzing Team USA. “There are
so many complex forces at work in their relationships.”
“We first took note of the men wrestling for Alpha male
supremacy,” said Dr. Glass. “This is
turf normally claimed by the hard-driving team member they call ‘Swayze’. But interestingly the other members of the
team began pushing back against this convention almost immediately.”
Fruity cocktail
Dr. Glass’ case notes point out that Ray “Mundo” Bonilla
insisted on driving the rental car to Steamboat Springs from Denver,
effectively taking the wheel from Eric “Swayze” Silagy. “This loss of control is difficult for
Swayze,” said Dr. Glass. “He has a fear of
being at the mercy of others and felt quite vulnerable during the team
weekend.” This feeling was exacerbated
when Stephen ‘Web’ Webster claimed the large bedroom with the king-sized bed
for himself, when the others on the team automatically assumed it would be
given to Swayze. “The situation was
oddly disorienting for Swayze but empowering for Web,” said Dr. Glass.
Dr. Smithkline focused on a different area of the team
chemistry. “There were very strong
homoerotic undercurrents throughout the weekend,” he said. Dr. Smithkline’s case notes reference frisky
towel snapping in the steamy shared bathrooms, fruity cocktails at dinner,
group hot tubs, and playful splashing at the Strawberry Park hot springs.
“The one they call Sheets is an intriguing contrast,” said
Dr. Smithkline referring to veteran USA player James “Sheets” Moreland. “On the one hand, he exhibits characteristics
of a traditional male role model. Tall,
handsome, athletic. But we observed him flexing
and strutting and singing songs in an effete falsetto.”
“I think Sheets hooks and slices his tee shots, if you
know what I’m sayin’,” said one of the graduate assistants on the sociologists’
team, asking to remain anonymous.
“The popular term for the U.S. team chemistry is 'Top Gun Gay',”
concluded Dr. Smithkline. “It’s a situation where things are totally straight,
but just seem a little bit off". It was noted in the sociologist’ report that
after winning the inter-squad match at Haymaker Golf Course, Sheets embraced
his partner, John “Atco” Atkins, saying “You can be my wingman any time!". "Bullshit!” Atco replied. “You can be
mine!"
The entire study is entitled “Fore Left! Comparisons of
socialization and assimilation behaviors among the men of Team USA” University
of Colorado Press, 2017.
