Defection! Will “Wee Mikey” Join U.S. Team in Massive Quaich Shake-Up?

Surveillance photo of Wee Mikey at airport in Chicago on December 29 

Quaich fans worldwide were stunned by the news that long-time Scottish player Michael “Wee Mikey” Redford has defected to the United States.  Wee Mikey slipped undetected into the U.S. sometime in late December.  Intelligence officials at MI6 in London were alerted to Wee Mikey’s movements when he cleared U.S. Customs at Chicago’s O’Hare airport on December 29 but were unable to track his whereabouts from there. 

Wee Mikey (left) at Steamboat in Colorado on December 31

Anonymous sources have confirmed that Wee Mikey has been disillusioned with his role on Team Scotland for more than a year.  During Quaich 2016 in Texas, Mikey chafed at team rules including strict curfews, limited alcohol, and no copulation on match nights.  While many applauded these rules as key to Scotland’s “winning formula” in 2016, Mikey was clearly not among them.  He was also vocal is his displeasure of being paired with the same partner, Tony “Hef” Denson, for all of the team matches. 

“Wee Mikey is a nonconformist,” said a high-ranking member of Team USA.  “He was never going to be happy in an environment that placed restrictions on him.”

Since arriving in the U.S., Wee Mikey has been spotted skiing in Colorado and playing golf in Florida.  When he was seen on the grounds of the Medalist Golf Club on the same day as the Team USA Quaich tryouts, all of Scotland shuddered in disbelief.  Could he possibly be cozying up to the opposition?

Wee Mikey (far left) and Team USA in Florida

Team USA officials were coy about offering Wee Mikey a spot on the team.  “He’s a helluva free agent,” said U.S. Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes.  “Mikey is the number two all-time points guy fer Scotland, so we’d be pleased as all git out to have him notch some of those wins for our side.”

Wee Mikey could not be reached for comment.  There are unsubstantiated rumors that he is presently living in a condo in Tuscaloosa and has a 19-year-old American girlfriend named Britney.

Quaich 2018 Schedule

The schedule of events for the 2018 Quaich matches has been announced.

Wednesday, 30 May

Archerfield

Arrivals - 3 p.m.

Team Activity - 5 p.m.

Opening Ceremonies - 6 p.m.

Thursday, 31 May

Round 1 (format TBD)

Muirfield (http://www.muirfield.org.uk/)

Friday, 1 June

Round 2 (format TBD)

North Berwick (https://www.northberwickgolfclub.com/)

Saturday, 2 June

Round 3 (format TBD)

Archerfield - Direleton (https://archerfieldgolfclub.com/)

Sunday, 3 June

Round 4 (Singles)

Archerfield - Fidra (https://archerfieldgolfclub.com/)

Closing Dinner & Ceremony
Archerfield

Hogmanay Greetings from Scotland

Team Scotland Captain Ronald "NSW Ronnie" Denholm sent well wishes to all fans of his team on Hogmanay.

A typical NSW Ronnie Instagram post from December

"A guid New Year and mony may ye see!" said Ronnie.  "May ye ne'er want a frien' or a dram to gie him!"

NSW Ronnie has been particularly exuberant in the months leading up to the 2018 Quaich.   His team is in great form and expected to successfully defend the Quaich in East Lothian in May.  

NSW's Instagram feed is full of smiling photos from team practices as well as his favorite recipes.

"It's great to see Ronnie so positive," said one source close to the team.  "His confidence is palpable.  It's as if he's added five inches in height since the last Quaich matches."

According to Ladbroke's, Team Scotland is a 2.5 point favorite to retain the Quaich in May in matches to be held in East Lothian, Scotland

Happy Times: NSW Ronnie with Rosco and Big Man at Elie

President Trump Goes After Team USA in Epic Twitter Rant

U.S. President Donald Trump has set his sights on the men of Team USA.  In an epic Twitter-storm, Trump called out members of the team for their lackluster performance in recent Quaich matches.  Pundits are unsure as to whether Trump is trying to motivate the team with his tweets or simply distance himself from the underdogs ahead of an expected loss in May.

The President did make an appearance at Team USA practice near his home in Palm Beach, Florida recently.  However, rather than encourage the team, he threatened them with exportation.  In shaking hands with team members, including Eric "Swayze" Silagy as seen below, the President said, "If you don't win, don't bother coming home. This country is not for losers." 

"If you don't win," said President Trump to Swayze. "Don't bother coming home."

Insider Report: Team USA Practice

Found it!  Web off the grid again.

Considering Team USA’s embarrassing defeat to the Scots just nine months earlier in Texas, the mood was oddly boisterous at the vacation home of USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes in Colorado this week.  “We’re just enjoyin’ each other’s company,” said Guvna. “We’re havin’ some laughs, savorin’ good food and drink, and playin’ a little golf.”

The comradery was off-the-charts.  The golf, on the other hand, was more difficult to measure.

Stephen “Web” Webster continued his inconsistent play.  Knowing he would rarely find a fairway with his erratic driver, Web deployed florescent orange Volvik golf balls to increase his chances of actually locating his tee shots in the rough.  “If he brings those goddam tangerines to Muirfield, I’ll f’ing bench the sumbitch,” said Guvna.

Chris “Cudman” Van Horne spent the off-season working on a longer backswing in an effort to gain more distance.  In Colorado, he found that he had lost 20 yards of distance on his drives.   Cudman was heard shouting invectives to his ball as it barely reached the fairway from the tee at Catamount Club on Sunday.  “Awwwww!  Suck a fat baby’s dick!” proved to be very popular.

James “Sheets” Moreland was imprecise with his iron play, often hitting well behind the ball and gouging huge divots in the fairway.  “I’ve used smaller shootin’ holes when I go duck huntin’,” said John “Atco” Atkins, pointing to Sheets’ enormous divot.

The rematch between Scotland and USA will be played in May 2018 in East Lothian, Scotland.

Team USA at Catamount Club in Colorado

Sociologists Examine Team USA Chemistry in Colorado

A relaxed U.S. team descended on Steamboat Springs in Colorado last week to begin preparations for next year’s Quaich matches.  The entire team, with the notable exception of Brian “Goombay” Farley, stayed at the vacation home of USA Captain Chris “Guvna” Hughes.  Because team infighting was partially responsible for the USA’s embarrassing Quaich loss to the Scots in October, Guvna brought in a group of clinical sociologists to evaluate team chemistry.  “We help our clients understand how interpersonal and social forces affect team behavior,” said Erica Glass, Ph.D., lead sociologist.  “We observed the team dynamic in Colorado as a first step to enacting positive change in their Quaich results.”

“This team is a fascinating case study,” said Michael D. Smithkline, Ph.D., another member of the group analyzing Team USA. “There are so many complex forces at work in their relationships.”

“We first took note of the men wrestling for Alpha male supremacy,” said Dr. Glass.  “This is turf normally claimed by the hard-driving team member they call ‘Swayze’.  But interestingly the other members of the team began pushing back against this convention almost immediately.”    

Fruity cocktail

Dr. Glass’ case notes point out that Ray “Mundo” Bonilla insisted on driving the rental car to Steamboat Springs from Denver, effectively taking the wheel from Eric “Swayze” Silagy.  “This loss of control is difficult for Swayze,” said Dr. Glass.  “He has a fear of being at the mercy of others and felt quite vulnerable during the team weekend.”  This feeling was exacerbated when Stephen ‘Web’ Webster claimed the large bedroom with the king-sized bed for himself, when the others on the team automatically assumed it would be given to Swayze.  “The situation was oddly disorienting for Swayze but empowering for Web,” said Dr. Glass.

Dr. Smithkline focused on a different area of the team chemistry.  “There were very strong homoerotic undercurrents throughout the weekend,” he said.  Dr. Smithkline’s case notes reference frisky towel snapping in the steamy shared bathrooms, fruity cocktails at dinner, group hot tubs, and playful splashing at the Strawberry Park hot springs.

“The one they call Sheets is an intriguing contrast,” said Dr. Smithkline referring to veteran USA player James “Sheets” Moreland.  “On the one hand, he exhibits characteristics of a traditional male role model.  Tall, handsome, athletic.  But we observed him flexing and strutting and singing songs in an effete falsetto.”

“I think Sheets hooks and slices his tee shots, if you know what I’m sayin’,” said one of the graduate assistants on the sociologists’ team, asking to remain anonymous.

“The popular term for the U.S. team chemistry is 'Top Gun Gay',” concluded Dr. Smithkline. “It’s a situation where things are totally straight, but just seem a little bit off".    It was noted in the sociologist’ report that after winning the inter-squad match at Haymaker Golf Course, Sheets embraced his partner, John “Atco” Atkins, saying “You can be my wingman any time!".   "Bullshit!” Atco replied. “You can be mine!"

The entire study is entitled “Fore Left!  Comparisons of socialization and assimilation behaviors among the men of Team USA” University of Colorado Press, 2017.

Quaich to Return to Archerfield Links in 2018

Scotland Captain Ronald "Not So Wee Ronnie" Denholm is rumored to be contemplating numerous changes to the Quaich competition as he prepares to host the biannual golf event.  But one thing will seem very familiar to the players ---- the venue.  Archerfield Links, where the teams from Scotland and USA battled in 2010, will once again see Quaich action in 2018.

"Archerfield is the ideal Quaich venue," said N.S.W. Ronnie, who won both his matches at Archerfield in 2010. "I am particularly excited about tucking into the Archerfield breakfast sandwich! Scottish back bacon, John Gilmour pork sausage, haggis, Stornoway black pudding. Yummy!"

"All I remember is they serve Budweiser at the turn," said James "Sheets" Moreland nostalgically.  "It's over!"

The Quaich 2018 matches are tentatively planned for late May 2018.